Overwhelmed.

Sometimes I just feel like the pressure is too much. I feel overwhelmed. When does it settle down?

I have made a mistake...

Well isn't that the truth. But to be even more honest I have been making that same mistake for quite some time now. You see I get so excited about serving on VN and now TD, but I have failed to be patient and excited about each individual one. I have not even served 20 before I am worried about 21. 9 has not even passed before I worry about 10.

That isn't how serving should be. That isn't how life should be.

I am sorry to those that have been reading my posts and have been confused or hurt by my words or actions.

Jess

*Lets Out Deep Breath* Where to begin with this post?

Let me start off by saying that Jesus has been doing quite a number on my heart in the last few weeks and months. He has been so faithful to keep me by His side and make me feel loved, even when I did not feel loved by others in my life.

Jesus has taught me to surrender complete control of my life to Him and I will find peace. I have found such peace and joy... I know there are things in my life that I need to surrender to Him, but little by little I am finding it easy to do so.

My brother...or brothers as I should say are attending Tres Dias this weekend. I am excited for them. Next weekend I serve my first Tres Dias, then soon after it is on to VN #9. Along with testing coming up soon. Life is packed with all sorts of things to do. VN#10 won't be much different, I will be so busy... but I am excited about Katie. And I am super excited about Tina and#21. :)

Well... I must go clean my room.

Jess

God Answers Prayers...

So it's not that I really doubted God or His faithfulness to answer prayers. But let's face it as a human I saw my list of prayer requests and thought to myself there is no way God will be able to get through all of these. Let's face it ... humans are rarely able to see past the possible and see the impossible... well maybe just this human.

So. Prayers God has taken care of...well all of em. But here are the answers to some of them. My brother and Justin both got into Tres Dias. I don't know how. Maybe someone pulled strings. Maybe it was God. Maybe it was simple paper work error. Then... all of this stress with Tres Dias... two people have emailed me from my section in effort to "connect" with me. It may not seem like a lot, but it eases my mind. The work situation is starting to look up both financially and hours. I got a second job.... please pray it works out ok. I have done this job before this is my fourth year. It's for the Christmas season.

Oh...and this... My parents are praying about going to Tres Dias in the spring!!!!!!!!! Just them praying about it is an answer to prayer. It's better than just saying NO.

Anyone who reads this and has contact info on K. West... I really need a phone or email addy on her ASAP.

I love you all.

Jess

Frustrations

Today has been a half good day... I found out that my brothers and my brothers friends application for Tres Dias have been lost in the mail and they may not be able to attend the weekend after all. This comes as a huge disappointment to them. They both adore Roy Hooker so much...

Then I find out that perhaps things aren't as they would seem with serving on TD at all... I feel very overwhelmed by it all. A pressure to behave in ways that aren't common to VN... I feel lost without all the "youth"... It's just different. I am out of my comfort zone.

Then my friend comes over tonight and we spend the night entertaining my little brothers. Annoying as heck. I don't mind them, but I wanted some time alone... well friend time.

Geesh.

Study...Study...Study...

So these last few weeks I have taken to studying whatever it is I can get my hands on. I found myself "thirsting" for knowledge. Studying my college books from classes I had to drop because financial aide is not available to me... old math and literature books... translating words from one language to another... learning to read and write in the language as well... and most importantly studying the word of God.

I have found myself drawn to the Old Testament. Specifically Ezekiel and Jeremiah. I have been reading a lot of Ezekiel... What a wonderful book.

Well I am off to drawn myself in my studies. Perhaps I will be online later... if someone wanted to chat around 8 or so that would be cool with me.

Jess

Two Faced?

Am I two faced?

On one hand I proclaim Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I claim to put him first.
On the other my actions show little of Jesus in my life.

This has been bugging me a lot lately.
That is why the lack of posts.

Jess

Phillipians 4:13

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."

What does this mean to me?

It means I can do all things...
-spinning jump roundhouse kicks
-patience with new kid at work
-yah kitchen
-saving money to get my own place one day
-learning to teach kids how to defend themselves

I can do all things.

Jess

Feeling Frustrated...

A lot of stuff is going on in politics. Being raised in a Republican/Independent home and in the Christian faith I guess there are certain "expectations" I am expected to live up to.

First of all people expect me to feel some sort of hatred for President Bush because of the war in Iraq and the stuff that has been going on with it. I'm sorry but I can not hate anyone, so don't ask me to do that. Secondly he is the president of the USA... WE put him there. If you didn't vote and you were old enough then that is your fault. Don't blame the rest of America because you didn't get off the couch and vote. Maybe it is because of my parents, and probably because of taking ROTC and Martial Arts, I have a high respect for those placed in charge. Regardless of what I ever thought of any one in charge I would never go as far as to slander their name on the internet where words can never be taken back. I am not saying lay back and take it, but in good taste and out of respect for God and the country use caution and censorship when you are typing things like
"F*** Bush" or "Get Bush Out Of Office". The man is doing the best he can, he didn't ask for September 11, he didn't ask for a war in Iraq... He is doing what he thinks is right for the country he was VOTED to run.

The next thing that bugs me are the people who have the nerve to dis people in the military. They are out there busting their butts for us. They get no hug at the end of the day from their mommy and daddy. They don't come home every night to a home cooked meal. They are defending our freedom. No one walks into a recruiters office and signs up for the military and goes "I hope we go to war tomorrow." (Ok, well 99% of em don't.) When you have served your country, when you have held that M16 in your hands and fought on the front lines then you have earned that right to bash them. Until then, shut it. They are doing what they feel is right, and they are doing what they are told to do by their commanding officer.

I am not saying this to be mean, but I get tired of people basing our president and our military, like they simply love the idea of risking their lives everyday to save your ungrateful butts. I have 9 friends in the military and not one of them would take back the decision they made to join. Not even the 7 who have been to Afghanistan and Iraq.

That is all for now. I need to go breathe.

Jess

Life...

Life is so enjoyable. I love each new experience that I have. Lately I have been learning to deal with feelings of jealousy and inadequacy. But that is what makes life so beautiful. Life is about learning new things... feeling, seeing, touching, etc. It's about learning and growing. This summer, I have grown very much... and I hope that as fall season comes around in a few months, I have more opportunities to learn and grow. I know that in at least one aspect I have the opportunity to grow... :) (Thanks to VN...(c: )

Well. Peace out.
Jess

Good Weekend.

So I had a fantastic weekend, which is only ending with something greater... two full days off!

First of all yesterday I spent the morning with a dear friend at the Westshore mall in Tampa. Then I went and saw two of the most beautiful girls I know. Lovely girls... :) Then on top of all that, I made a mends with a friend that I haven't talked to in about a month or so. And I agreed to go visit her as soon as I have the money to do so. It was really good.

And then as if life could not get any better... I had the most amazing time with God. So beautiful.

Well I am going to go. I got some stuff I need to take care of before I head off to bed tonight. :)

Jessica

Goals

I
AM
EXCITED!

One year. One step closer to my goals.

..::Who Am I?::..

These last few days have left me pondering the answer to the question "Who Am I?"...

Well sure my name is Jessica. I am a shift leader at Atlanta Bread. I am working towards my brown belt in Kung Fu... but who am I really?

The Christian friends I have who are reading this would answer you are a child of the most high God. I would hear things like you are more than a conqueror and that by His stripes I am healed.

My more secular side of my mind would tell me that I am confused. That I don't know what I want in life. That I bounce between the fine lines of Christianity, Hinduism and Buddhism. That I am a failure.

But that doesn't clear up the question of Who Am I?

Who am I going to let myself be defined as? Am I someone who can not manage their anger? Am I someone who has been known to be loyal and trustworthy? Can people believe what I say to them? Do I lead or follow?

Who Am I?

For now... I am Jess... and I am logging off for the night.

The Verse

"For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age."

Titus 2:11-12

That, is my verse that I need to be thinking about and contemplating for my next belt. A little early maybe to be thinking about this...but I doubt it is ever too early to start thinking about the word of God.

I think this verse is very fitting of this time in my life. Very.

Well. I think it is time for me to go to bed.

Jess

P.S. Yes, two posts in one day. I know... risky.

Emotional...

I hate posting when I feel emotional... or out of control. So I have been fighting for about an hour on whether I should post or not.

I went to my moms church on Sunday... I have not been to church in a LONG time. The pastor was so real, so passionate, so.... in love with Jesus. It wasn't just the message he spoke, it's what he didn't have to say. It's the fire in his eyes and the love in his voice. And it make me wonder, how much better is Jesus?

I felt welcomed by this pastor in a way I can't say that other pastors have welcomed me in the past. I felt good there... there was no pressure no cares other than to worship my Jesus. But having arrived in a bad mood I fought it off at first. But worship was beautiful, and I loved being in fellowship with other believers.

I have been reading a lot through Hebrews, Ezekiel, Genesis and more recently in Acts. I am learning so much, but I don't feel that I am learning enough. I even shut off the television the other day to read.

I don't know. The more I pray and read, the more lost and "dumb" I feel. I don't get it. I need time alone with Him. Today more so than a lot of other days in the past few months. I'm not sure why the sudden rush of emotions...

Jess

Does Anybody???...

There is a song called "Does Anybody Hear Her?" by Casting Crowns... It's quite well known as far as Christian songs go, and it has been stuck in my head all day today.

"Does anybody hear her? Oh, does anybody see? Does anybody even know she's going down today? Under the shadow of our steeples, with all the lost and lonely people, searching for a hope that's tucked away in you and me. Oh does anybody hear her, does anybody see?"

Sometimes I have pity for the person the girl, of which this song speaks. Sometimes I feel like I am in a way that girl. Sometimes I wonder does anybody really hear me? Does anybody really care about me? I think back on all the hard times I have gone through in the past few months, and I don't see the people in my life that I thought would always be there for me. Instead I see "new" friends there to help me down the path. It's these same "new" friends that continue to encourage me on a regular basis. These "new" friends that are questioning me about my walk with God, and making sure I am on the right path.

Sometimes I wonder about friendships. Why is it only intended for some friendships to last a lifetime, and others to come and go? Obviously there is the growth factor... new friends cause new growth and changes in your life. But I have never even fully comprehended this much about them. Why do some friendships end in hurt and disappointment, and others you feel at peace about.

Among these things, I have also been considering my spiritual needs lately. I feel empty and hungry... I know this is because I have not been in the word nearly as much as I would like to be in it. I have been studying as time allows, but when I look back on my actions in studying Buddhism and my actions as a Christian they are nowhere near alike. I find myself more easily distracted and far less disciplined. I feel a strong conviction on this subject... but the harder I try the more I seem to get more distracted. I have also had a strong desire to become part of a reunion group with TD, and to find a mentor. I need more growth in my life... a lot more.

Well. I worked a 12 1/2 hour day today, so I am going to hit the sack.

Jess

Discipline... Obedience...

For the last few days I have found myself deeply involved in a Bible study online about Discipline. It would seem that at this point in my walk I should be studying things like spiritual warfare... But let me give my take on why I am not yet ready to study such a subject as war. (War being the spiritual kind, not the one overseas.)

Most of my life I have been involved in either Martial Arts, ROTC, or when I was younger Softball. All of these things have one thing in common with the Christian "walk"... Discipline. To be any of those things... to participate in any sport, game or club, it takes discipline. More so if we are in a Spiritual Battle... that makes us soldiers in the army of God. A soldier must have discipline... A soldier in the US military must spend 8-12 weeks being trained on how to behave, how to react, and how to treat others. So why wouldn't I spend time training in Gods' word... Learning a little discipline? Sounds good to me. My main book of study you ask... Hebrews. Excellent.

Just my form of reason. Perhaps it isn't fully logical to most... but really...

Jess

P.S. My bunny might be pregnant. Anyone want one?or two?

My Little Buddy

So, tonight I watched my little brother test for his stripe on his yellow belt. Words can't describe how proud I was of him. He got up all on his own, without his big brother or big sister beside him to help. He did his form and said his verse... to the best of his ability... and did his self defense, which happens to be his favorite part of class. (As any regular member of the class could tell you.) It made me so happy to watch him...thinking back to when doctors told us after we got him that he couldn't ever walk or talk like a "normal" child. But look... look at what my Jesus did... look at how God has changed those doctors diagnoses around. He may not be an average 12 year old, but what he lacks in height he makes up for in heart. He has the biggest heart of any kid I know, and maybe he can't read and remember his memory verse, but ask him about the weather, or to pray for you. He'll do it in a heart beat.

I write all this to encourage anyone who feels like they can't do it. Anyone who feels like the world is against you... that the odds are too large... and that no one cares. The truth is God cares and He has a precious plan for your life. My little bro... my little buddy... he has never let anyone tell him he couldn't do something. He wanted to take karate and he is taking it. He doesn't care that he has mental and developmental delays/problems... He does what he wants because he believes that God can help him do anything. I believe him. I believe God.

Well that is about it for tonight. But I do want to say thank you to some super special friends that came out and supported us tonight. It meant a great deal and I do hope you will come around more often. The class could use ya.

Jess

Life Changing... Or Not...

All of these things have been running through my head. This magnificent blog post that would wow the readers who read this blog so much so that my readers would double or triple with that very post. I would receive emails and comments so fast that I could not handle them. And my post would be quoted in speeches, sermons, books, magazine articles and on web pages alike. Yes... I did have quite a stunning post. But the problem with that post is I can never get it out of my head and on to the web. It's like this little man on the inside stands at the exit for which that blog needs to get off and tells it that it needs to take a detour. Well that little blog gets lost somewhere between my head and my hands, and it never makes it out.

So until it makes it out... you won't find any life changing blogs on here. Just the stuff that actually makes it out of my head. Enjoy it.

Jess

Questions.

Questions I have been asking myself a lot lately:

-Even though this is a hard situation, can I see God in it?
-Do I trust God to lead me?
-What can I learn from this event/situation?
-How can I use this situation to help strengthen my walk with Christ?
-Are my feelings logical and clear, am I seeing things how God would want me to see them?

I have been asking this mostly about things concerning work and finances. But more so the last few days I have found myself asking these things about a brother in Christ that I have seemed to take an extra special liking to.

It makes me anxious inside to think about the future... and then I remember that verse "be anxious for nothing, but take everything to God in prayer and petition..." well that is the paraphrased Jessica version, but you know the verse I am talking about. I guess it's just a little different this time around. This time I am viewing my feelings for this brother in Christ with eyes that aren't focused on his physical appearance as much as his love for Christ. Though, on a side note, I do find him quite handsome. Well... perhaps it isn't wise for me to sit here and daydream.

But if it helps explain my lack of interest in phone conversations and loss of focus in the online chats then I've done my job. For now, I need to take this up with God. He knows the right answer.

Jess

2 Corinthians 10:5

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

2 Corinthians 10:5

This verse is so incredibly powerful and applies to my life so much right now. I don't know what to write about it... It doesn't need anything else. The Word of God needs no help.

Jess

Discouraged.

I must admit that today has left me in sort of a bad mood and feeling a little discouraged. Seems my cell phone didn't want to cooperate and I kept losing touch with a really good friend of mine on the phone, then when we could finally talk without losing signal, I ended up having to mediate an argument. So I had to hang up there.

Seems faith has been hard to keep the last day or so. I know the whole there will be hard times and such. It's just so confusing to me right now. It's not hard stuff like just work stuff. It's over all life stress is building and building and I'm not sure where to go with it, what to do with it, how to deal with it all. My one friend tells me to take it to God, one friend tells me that I just need to go sit and meditate for a while, and yet another "friend" tells me to come over his place and we can talk. Yea, right, talk... That's all I need is to go for a talk and find out in two weeks I'm pregnant. He isn't the least bit interested in talking about anything... well maybe about one thing.

For those who read this, please pray. I feel myself slipping once again and it's a bit scary. I have prayed and asked God for help. I don't know. I just feel alone in this struggle, even though I am not the first to deal with this issue, nor am I the last.

Good night. I need to sleep... perhaps that will make it better.

Jess

Inspiration.

Tonight I had the wonderful opportunity to go out by myself. To walk the mall, shop in Blockbuster Video, and raid the left over pastries at Atlanta Bread Company all by myself. It was quite nice, contrary to what people would think.

While I was out browsing I happened to notice this older couple, probably in their seventies. They were so cute, he had on the typical old guy khaki pants with the brown loafers and the blue striped shirt tucked in with a belt. Oh, and don't forget the hat... you know the kind I am talking about. She had on a light blue pants/shirt outfit and had her hair curled just right. The cutest old people in the mall by far. I watched them, as they unknowingly became the theme of this post, the way they held hands. The way he carried the tray to the table in the food court, and set it down in order to pull out her chair for her. He was a true gentleman through and through. As they left the food court I couldn't help but smile and wonder what it will be like when I get that old. Will that be me and my future husband 50-60 years down the road?

As I was leaving the mall, once again I saw this couple. They must have been tired because they were walking extra slow. He was carrying the two shopping bags in one hand, and her hand was still planted in his other hand.I sat in my car and watched them walk to their car. He opened her car door for her, and I even saw him sneak a kiss on her cheek before he shut the door. Then he walked slowly around the car, as he did I noticed a big grin on his face. It was almost like he was on his first date with her and that was his first kiss. It was so sweet. He started the car and off they drove.

I make a point of this at this time in my life because well... Marriage has been a big thought topic lately in my life. I am at the age a lot of my friends are married and some of them have children. Most of my friends are living on their own, and most of those friends live out of state. It's hard to sit back and watch it all. I want to be part of that world... to have my own place, to have found "the one" that I am going to share my life with. To have kids... And before I get the "You're too young" or the "You don't want kids..." lectures. YES I do. My parents had 14 foster children at one point in my life, I have changed enough diapers, taken enough temperatures, bandaged enough knees, given enough baths, fixed enough dinner... I get it, there is a lot of work involved. But that doesn't change the desire deep inside.

I'm not sure where to go with this... other than it is taking more than a "little" self control to stay focused on God. Well that's all for now I suppose. Honestly...

Jess

Fear or Discretion?

The past few weeks have been a spectacular time in my life. I have really begun to understand things in the Christian faith that I never grasped before. Especially the term Faith. What a wonderful and yet so complex word that is. God has been so good to patiently teach me little by little all the things I needed to learn and relearn, and I am still a work in progress... It's beautiful.

I have been chatting with different people over the past few days. Some of whom have visited and read the stuff on this blog. Some of whom have no knowledge of the past few months in my life and don't know about this blog. I began thinking today... Is the reason I "hide" this blog because of fear or discretion?

Am I afraid of what others will think? Well... that depends on which way you are looking at it. The only one I truly care about their opinions is obviously God. But yes, there are people in my life that at this time I do fear that it would do more harm than good for them to know every detail of my life. And there are some that I highly doubt will ever have any knowledge of this information. This is not because I am ashamed of these past few months. Because while I am not proud to have walked away from Christ, I am proud to say that I have once again returned to His loving arms, and I have turned my life back over to Him. But that doesn't mean that every person I know needs to know this stuff about me.

I have no problem sharing this information with some people I have grown quite fond of within the VN community and other friends and some family. There is one in particular that really helped me through some rough times and even helped me find humor in it all. To her I owe more than is imaginable because while I am sure I could have made it back on my own, without her help it might have taken me longer.

But there are some people who I feel would be immature with this, or would do as so many have done with mistakes I have made and hold it against me. Use it much like a knife to stab me again and again, until finally I break down and concede to their demands... which is often to ridicule myself until I feel degraded and worthless.

I am not worthless, I am full of worth. God loves me with a passion beyond human comprehension. And while I burst to tell everyone of His saving grace, and His forgiveness, I believe that some people can hear the right thing without hearing everything.

That is my view on why some people have access to this and others don't. For those who have stumbled upon this site, by my invitation, by link, by Google or simply by random accident, please take into consideration the words of the VN weekend. What is said on the campground stays on the campground, and apply that to this blog. What is said in the blog stays in the blog. I have no problems discussing these things with you in chat, on the phone or in person, but do not discuss them amongst yourselves, or try to use this against me in the future to hold me back. I will not be held hostage by my past. It is just that... the past.

Well, sorry if this post seems "harsh" or out of place. But I feel that it is something that needs to be posted to prevent further incidents.

Jess

"Trust Me" -Crystal Lewis

"Trust Me" by Crystal Lewis


Close your eyes, take a step. It's ok, I know where we're going.
Don't fret, I've been before. Through these valleys, down this long and dangerous roads.
Yet dark as they seem...

Trust Me, though you can't see.
You can trust Me, the way may be steep.
You can trust Me.
Let Me lead, trust Me.

Open your eyes, but don't let go of My hand.
Let your tears give way to smiles, see the joy inside the trial.
Don't worry, you're safe with Me around.
Rest assured, I'm on your side. I won't let you hit the ground.
But close as it seems...

Trust me, though you can't see.
You can trust Me, the way may be steep.
You can trust Me.
Let me lead, trust Me.

See I know that what's in front of you, isn't always clear.
But you must believe that in your hearts, that I'm here.

Trust me, though you can't see.
You can trust Me, the way may be steep.
You can trust Me.
Let Me lead, trust Me.


-------------------------------------------------<3------------------------------------------


I don't know why. I just thought the lyrics of this song is all the post I need to make for tonight.
Enjoy and be blessed. Oh.. and don't forget to Trust God.

Jess

Insecurities.

Insecurities are a funny thing. Think about the things that make you feel insecure? Perhaps being alone or maybe being put in charge or something. Maybe you feel insecure when you are in a larger group of people or meeting a new person for the first time. Perhaps technology in and of itself can make you feel insecure.

For me, my biggest insecurities come not so much when I am alone, but more so when I feel alone, because there is a big difference. Some nights I come home from work and I don't want to talk on the phone or get on the internet, I just want to be by myself and alone in my room. Quiet, contemplative and peaceful. Other times I come home from work, or more often so on my days off and I just want to be near a friend or hear their voice. It's times like this that my insecurities start to creep in. What if they aren't calling me back because they don't like me? What if they are planning something and I am not going to be invited or involved? What if they are talking about me behind my back? What if...what if... what if...

I spend so much of my time feeling that I have to please everyone. But... very little of my time is spent trying to please the One that truly matters, God. I suppose this is true of very many Christians today... because of our fast paced society and technology, we often forget God in everything. But it's in the times I feel insecure and unsure of myself that if I stop and just listen, I don't hear God whispering "I Love You"... I hear Him doing everything but showing up "in person" to tell me. He's screaming it with the birds in the skies singing, whispering it in the gentle breeze, repeating it with a soft summer shower, and singing it like the warm sunshine on my face. It's so beautiful it makes me cry sometimes. God loves me... no matter how insecure or alone I feel, I am never alone because He is always right there with me.

I hardly remember a time in my life that I have felt so alive as I do in this very moment. Just the amount of love I have felt from God today... how clear His voice has been in my life... It's beautiful.

My prayer for you today is that you would also feel the love of God... that you would embrace every single second of it, and hold on to it for dear life. God's love is the best kind of love, it's unfailing, always true and isn't conditional. Let God love you... let God cover your insecurities... In the areas you and I are weakest, He is strong! So take hold of that today and throughout the course of your life. Remember who you are and whose you are.

Jess

You Made The Right Decision.

I think sometimes when a Christian strays away from the faith, or when a new believer comes out of a different religion into Christianity it can have this sort of effect on your mind. Did I make the right decision?

That is the question that has been plaguing my mind for the past day or so. Did I make the right decision? Was turning to Christ and leaving Buddhism really the wisest decision I could have made? What if Buddhism was right? What if I am wrong? What if I made this choice and I stumble yet again with it... What if I find myself falling back into the hole? Did I really make the right decision?

The Bible says that if we believe with our hearts and confess with our mouths that Jesus is Lord than we shall be saved. Do I believe that? Absolutely...Without a doubt... 100%. But lately it has seemed more and more that that mindset is hard to keep. Everything reminds me of the struggles in my life. Everything seems significant, and everything feels like a battle raging inside. It sounds odd... I guess from a blog readers perspective it is. But to truly go through it... It's even weirder. It's like everything I do, I can relate to my spiritual life. (Just read my last few blogs... painting my room is a life lesson at the moment.)

I seem to be using my instructor a lot as a point of interest in my blog... But he is a very insightful and understanding individual when it comes to dealing with many of the same issues I am dealing with right now. Sometimes I truly doubt how much he knows about how much of an impact he has made on my life... probably because the times he has made the biggest impact are those that were probably common things or "mindless" responses to a particular question or problem. Tonight after class was over and we were all walking out to our cars he asked me how things are going with Christ. First off it is very encouraging just to have some one ask you that to your face and then take the time to really listen. I told him things were "good" and that it's just "weird" at times. He told me that he has been down the same road and that I can talk to him any time I have questions. Simple enough. I thanked him and started across the parking lot to my car... Then he says "You made the right decision." ... Right out of the blue... With no further comments... just a kind smile and a wave.

I drove home in silence contemplating this very phrase. He didn't know I was struggling with this question of whether or not I made the right decision. Such a simple phrase. Such a simple affirmation to me. I love it.

Well I am gonna get going. Peace Out.

Jess

Testing.

June 4 starts our testing in Kung Fu for the next belt level. I must say that with each upcoming testing I find myself a little more nervous each time. This time I am either getting one stripe on my green belt or actually earning my brown belt. I want my brown belt, but the very thought of it causes butterflies in my stomach. Brown belt... that is just a little more than 9 months away testing wise from black belt. And while I feel ready to get that black belt... to show the world that I, Jessica L. Coosey, can finish something... I realize the great responsibility a black belt holds. It also makes me realize just how very little I know about my art.

So, today after work I got to looking up the verse I need to know for my next testing regardless of which belt I actually earn. It's "So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God." Romans 14:12. And it is absolutely amazing to me that at this time in my life that would be the verse given to me. Now, it wasn't given to me by my instructor because of this time in my life, the curriculum he follows actually makes this the green belt one stripe verse. But it just amazes me because it's so... I don't know the word... Perhaps sobering to think about.

I've been on this "high" lately. Anyone who has ever found joy in Christ can relate to the joy I am feeling now. But at the same time, amongst all this joy I have felt. I have seemed to set aside the fact that one day I will have to give an account of my time here on Earth to God. One day I will have to stand before the ultimate and most supreme Judge and give a testimony of my life. Why He should allow me into heaven. And I can't say now that looking back I have done anything truly worthy of getting into heaven. But I can say that I have given my life to God... And I trust Jesus as my savior.

This verse all follows closely with the character qualities I have been told to think about... Virtue and Responsibility. Perhaps they were chosen to go hand and hand with the verse... perhaps they are randomly chosen for each belt level. But I think that these qualities have had a great play in my life lately. Esp. that of responsibility. I have had to in a way GROW UP a lot lately. I have gone from being in charge of just a small amount of people at a Chick Fil A or Chipotle to being in charge of an entire store. I am in charge of ensuring the truck order is put away right, I make the schedule... I train people and make sure everyone is on task.... It's quite a job load.

So yea... growth is taking place in my life. I have picked up a new line...

Life is interesting... no wait the other thing... tedious.

It's partly from Bender off of Futurama.

But the line works... I work... and I have got to get back to cleaning my room. I decided to paint it. So all yal better come see it soon.

Jess

Cleaning My Room?

So today I was cleaning up my room and I got to thinking. Naturally of course everything in my life has a deeper meaning... cleaning my room, drinking a soda, working out, etc.

So back to the topic. As I was cleaning my room I got to thinking that perhaps it is time I painted my room again. I have had blue in my room for quite some time, and I think I am ready to move on. I was thinking a nice beige or tan color. It would still work with the "theme" I have going on in my room. Actually it might compliment it a little better. I was also thinking perhaps I would clean up some of the furniture I have spread out all over my room.

As I was thinking about all this I was thinking how this could relate to my spiritual life... my life in Christ. For so long in my life I have been blue... blue in this instance representing my suffocating without "air"... without the breath of life in my life. I need to be alive again. I need to "clean up" my life and the things that hold me back in my walk with Christ. Perhaps that means for a time putting away a lot of my books even though they don't directly steer me from Christ.

Just a thought...Good stuff.

Jess

Grace.

Well... Let's see. Where do I want to go with todays post? It has been a pretty good day. My little brother is doing well at work, and found out he is getting paid more than minimum wage. (Mark not Roy.) We were very busy, and the owners were only in for a few hours to see us through the breakfast and lunch rush and then they left quickly. Prep was pretty light today, so it took no time at all, and I had the best lunch ever... Turkey Sandwich and Tomato Soup. Yummy.

So all in all I guess my day is going pretty well now isn't it.

Today I was thinking about grace as I was doing the short amount of prep to be done. More specifically I was thinking about God's grace. I have heard it defined as God's riches at Christ's expense or unmerited favor. Both of them are pretty intense definitions of what appears to be such a simple word.

It is truly by the grace of God that I am alive and well today, there is no doubt about that in my mind. (All things considered.) And it is the grace of God that my family is together, whole and none of them are in jail or J.D.C.

Gods' grace has been truly shown in and through my life. It has also been a bit of a theme in my life lately. I attend Grace Martial Arts, at one point I was going to Grace Christian Fellowship, my birds name is Hannah Grace.... and so on. It is a reminder to me each time I go to class and hear my instructor speak on grace just how much I have been saved from. And it's not even just about these past few months... things further back in my life, some things that I have never mentioned before, some I have told, some have almost been made known publicly, or so it seems.

So many people... Christians... think they don't have a testimony because they were saved at 4, raised in a Christian home with two parents, they have never done drugs or alcohol or had sex before marriage. They never ran away or got involved in another religion. They were involved in youth group and they were leaders in church. Some people don't think that is a testimony... but that is the most amazing testimony in the world to me. To see Gods' grace in their life... they have been spared all the hurt and pain associated with getting involved in sexual relationships, they have been spared the spiritual struggles of participating in another religion.

Yes, I think it is wonderful when people come to Christ... I love it, I really do. But I think it is extra special to hear of someone who has known Christ all their lives. I think that any testimony is a great testimony of Gods grace. Think about it... God didn't have to save any of us... because none of us deserve it. But He did. He sent Jesus for us because He loves us. God loves us... every single one of us.

Not all of us have the same background, not all of us grew up knowing Christ. But that is what makes the body of Christ so unique and so beautiful to be a part of. You can talk to someone one day and find out that they ran away at the age of 15 and they got pregnant and they were raised Muslim and now they are living for God. And then you can meet someone the next day who knew at a young age that Jesus was Lord of their life, and they have made it a point to live each day for Him, and they are witnessing and bringing people to Jesus. And both of those things are so beautiful.

Perhaps I am getting to the point where I am babbling on... So I will close out this post now. But as you go throughout today just think about the life you have and the life you could have had. If it isn't what you want it to be, talk to God. Ask Him for wisdom and guidance. He will give it... I know He will and He always does.

Peace Out.
Jess

Rocky Road.

Today was an awkward kind of day. It was my first confrontation with the fact that I am no longer Buddhist. Ok ok... Get this I knew that it was no longer a thing in my life. But it seemed like today I actually realized it.

Let me take you through my day today... perhaps it will "enlighten" you. First of all I woke up at my "normal" 4:30. Yes it's a time. Yes I know it's crazy, but that is the time I was waking up to meditate. So I wake up and reach for my Ipod that contains all my guided meditations. (Remember this is 4 in the morning... I am not awake.) So I get into "position" and I am ready... all this before I even realize what I am doing. Now I'm thinking this is awkward... So I shift my position to kneeling beside my bed and I pray for a bit and go about getting ready for work. Before we go any further, let's get this straight, I haven't gotten up with the intent to meditate in almost a week and today I awoke in the "zone". Ok, back to the story. I'm in the car getting ready for my drive to work. Normally this would consist of A.) An album entitled Buddhism and Science or B.) Some other Buddhist music to which I can not name the c.d. So I get in the car and pop in the disc, again getting almost half way through the first song before I even realize what I am singing. So I change the disc at the red light popping in some SonicFlood...the original pink disc that everyone on Earth owns. And again I pray and ask God to help me through the day and thanking Him for saving me from the very thing I have felt myself wrapped up in today.

I get to work and things are going smoothly. We are discussing soup... particularly the soup I like at work Tomato with Fennel and Dill. And in general we are having a good time. Then the rush hits and we get slammed. So we work through it somehow, but by this point I am on edge. I have had to run 3 positions on the line so the other 3 could carry food to tables, and I am stressed beyond belief. I tell my boss I need a break and I step outside. But this time... this time rather than doing my normal meditation to calm my nerves... this time I find a nice spot under the oak tree out back and I talk to God. Ahh... refreshing. Very very refreshing.

A few minutes later I am calm enough to compose myself and walk back into work without getting angry. By this time everyone is hyper and making fun of everyone else. So naturally we get on the topic of religions... Yes. The topic of the hour. The single topic I had hoped would be avoided for a few weeks. In this discussion I find myself DEFENDING Buddhism. Afterwards I was like YOU IDIOT!!! YOU DEFENDED IT!!!

I don't get it. All day... ALL day long with the exception of walking out back, all day long I have felt myself slipping. And it's not even like it has been hard before this. It's like someone else is working my mind. I hate it so badly... because all I want to do is leave that lifestyle behind. I don't want to wake up in the morning to meditate and pray to Buddha. I just want to follow God. Only God.

And I don't get why that single desire is the hardest task on Earth. And now I am sitting here... on my laptop on my bed... and all I can think about is the amount of stress I feel and have felt in the last week. The amount of pressure... The guilt and shame.... The fear and doubt. It's like this never ending lump in my throat... caught there and I can't swallow it. I want more than anything to be done with it. To say adios to it all... But somehow I know it's not going to be that easy.

WHY IS THIS STILL AN ISSUE?!?! I feel so stressed out. I feel as if nothing on Earth could be worse, and yet going back to Christ... He makes it seem like nothing on Earth could be better. So I am caught between the love of my life, Jesus... and the thing in my life that most holds me back.

I think I need time to straighten it out with God. He can make things right.

Peace out.

Jess



p.s. I also realize it seems like nothing has been changed... but my Ipod does not any longer contain the meditations, I reached for it out of habit. And the discs are no longer in existence. The ones I mentioned hearing in the car.

Spiritual Warfare.

It seems only right that since rededicating my life to Christ, that the enemy would attack double and triple times the effort than normal. But it seems to me, that the odd thing here is not that he is attacking, but that I am not turning tail and running back to Buddhism.

After a good long discussion with a good friend, and an exchange of several emails with my Sensei, I realize that this isn't going to be the most peaceful of times in my walk with Christ. I have angered the devil something fierce. But the thing I realize, even now, is that Jesus is bigger than any of those problems. Not only do I realize that, but I am willing to walk through these hard times if it means my faith will be strengthened. Jesus didn't die and rise for me to hear the truth and follow a lie.

Jesus didn't die for me to be a Buddhist. Jesus didn't die for me to bow to a statue of a dead man. I don't need "enlightenment", what I need is forgiveness and Gods grace in my life. The other things... wisdom, peace, joy, love, those things will follow. The things I sought most after in Buddhism are still the same things I desire in my walk with Christ. I desire to be able to love my neighbor, to be kind, gentle and forgiving. I greatly strive to be able to control my anger or to be bold about my faith.

Many changes are taking place in my heart and in my mind. So for those who know me, please keep me in your prayers.

Jess

Legacy.

"I wanna leave a legacy, how will they remember me? Did I choose to love?....Child of mercy and grace who blessed your name unapologetically, leave that kind of legacy." (Forget who sings that song.)

Tonight those were in essence the words of my Sensei as we prayed at the end of class. Now granted what I posted was a song, but it can be compared to the heart of my Sensei's prayer. All he wants for us is for us to have a real relationship with Jesus, and secondly to be able to defend ourselves if we are ever attacked or we need to defend one of our friends or loved ones.

I have always had great respect for my Sensei Mark. He is in every aspect of the word my role model. Well one of them. But my respect for him does not stem from the aspect that he could totally whoop me and 10 of my friends without breaking a sweat. It stems from the fact that I can see Jesus in his life. His priority in every class is to pay respect to the highest ranking individual first, last and all times. And while most would assume it would be him, being a 6th degree black belt, he turns our attention to God.

I have written many a blogs on Myspace and Xanga about how great my Kung Fu class is. But in all reality, I should be writing about the fact that I go to Kung Fu on Mondays to learn how to defend myself and I come away having learned more about Jesus.

The reason I focused this one particular blog on Sensei Mark is because he inspires me to think about the legacy I am leaving. What are my actions, my words, my life telling others... What legacy am I leaving? Am I showing others to Christ? Am I encouraging others in their walks with Christ or am I so wrapped up in my own life that I can't see my brother or sister in Christ struggling with their walk?

"I want to leave a legacy. How will they remember me?" That is the cry of heart at this moment... That along with so many other cries stemming from a mere desire to serve God... to know God... to bask in His presence. I just want to make God the total center of my life. I want to be more like Him and less like me.

Too Much Son?

Yesterday I had the wonderful opportunity to spend time with my family and extended family at the one and only Cypress Gardens. We spent all day together, playing, laughing, talking, etc. In general it was a lot of fun. I loved every moment of it... well almost every moment of it. There was the time my youngest cousin and my youngest brother started crying because we wouldn't let them ride on the biggest and fastest roller coaster with us. And then there was the time my two middle brothers started pushing each other and almost knocked some random guy over. And then my two oldest cousins almost got in a fight at the restaurant. And then of course there is the ultimate problem in FL... I got a sunburn.

As I sit here this morning typing the idea came to me... When is the last time I got a son burn? By that I mean when is the last time I spent so much time with Jesus that my face simply glowed when I walked away from His presence. When is the last time that happened to any of us? Let's be realistic, the reality is the world doesn't afford us the opportunity every day to spend 8-10 hours in his presence like you can on a day off at a theme park. There are interruptions, but just like that theme park visit you should work around those interruptions and seek God. I'm not saying I myself could spend 8 hours straight in prayer, though the opportunity sounds very tempting. But I am saying that me, myself, I personally can't remember the last time I was son burned.

I want to know my Jesus in the same ways and manners that I had begun to study Buddha. I want to know His thoughts on everything, I want to know His words, His actions, I want to know Him. I want to say that I rise early in the morning to pray and pray before I go to bed. I want people to notice a difference in me, not because I am good, but because I am Christian. I realize with such new perspective now, that Jesus is the only one who can save you/I from hell. We can not do it ourselves. When I was trying to save myself I was miserable. I felt empty inside. But all that has changed... I don't have to doubt anymore. I never had reason to doubt at all. Jesus truly is my savior and my source of life.

So what is my goal today...this week... this year? To simply spend more time with my Jesus. So much time that I simply glow from being with Him. I want to know Jesus, not just know of Him.

Call Me Beautiful

"I've been waiting for a hero that is brave and strong. Someone to love me...And You call me beautiful. And say You love me all along..."
-Ginny Owens "Call Me Beautiful"


I guess every girl wants to be called beautiful. Even the most tomboyish of all girls want to be pretty. Growing up I wasn't always told I was pretty when I felt unpretty. So, I began to be what I felt... unpretty. How? I became a tomboy. Tomboys don't have to be pretty... you don't have to wear a dress and wait for compliments.

But I guess beneath it all I still cry on the inside for someone to call me beautiful. Being almost raised in church, surrounded by wonderful friends, and going through weekends like VN and TD, I guess I should understand God loves me and thinks I am beautiful. But I don't always remember that. Sometimes it seems easier for me to put on baggy jeans and a t-shirt and accept that I am not pretty in those clothes, than it is to dress up and risk not hearing those two words. But in reality... whose approval is it that I really need?

So much of todays appeal is to the world. Not just in my life, but look around at the young people and even the middle aged people around me. We spend hundreds and thousands (some even hundreds of thousands) each year to have a man or men call us beautiful. But God already thinks we are beautiful. We don't have to sit and wait on prince charming, our dashing hero in a shining suit of armour to come and rescue us, because he already has. Jesus has already given his life for us... so that we can draw near to the God of the universe that made us. The God that thinks we are the most beautiful thing in his sight. Our perfect and loving Father.

It's hard to think sometimes that He thinks I am beautiful. I mean look at my life... Look at what I have done. I am not pure and spotless by any means. If sin were mud, I'd be covered from head to toe, even in just counting my sins from today. But God still forgives me... He still sees my beauty and not the mud on my cheek or the dirt on my nose.

God thinks I'm beautiful. He thinks you are beautiful. It simply boggles my mind... He amazes me everyday... more and more. I keep finding myself wanting to draw closer to Him, admist the choas and admist the small voice that cries for me to turn back to Buddhism. To turn back to the things that I was doing... Back to my old habits, my old ways of dealing with stress and anger. But no... No more. You know why? Because...

God... The GOD...The Creator of mankind... He thinks you and I are the most beautiful thing on Earth.



And that is what I think is the most beautiful thing in life.

Jess

Jesus Is My Hero

Before I get started with the who and what of this blog... I guess I should give the history of it all. It all started a few years back at V.N. # 1 where I was graciously invited to attend by the wonderful Pastor Patty. (V.N. in this case standing for Vida Nueva.) God spoke to me on numerous occasions that weekend, during worship, through the various talks given, and in my quiet time with Him one on one. I came home from that weekend with a new desire and a new found passion... serving. I set into the routine of serving on V.N. weekends. But each time I found myself anticipating two upcoming weekends... # 8 and # 9. Truth is God had promised great things for these weekends in my life, but I wasn't sure what those things would be.

The weekends, in the V.N. use of the word, have flown by. I have found myself doing things at V.N. that normally one would not find me doing. Public speaking, wearing goofy wigs and singing goofy songs, and sharing my otherwise hidden abilities and talents. Soon it was time for V.N. # 8... well almost. It was actually the weekend before... My Tres Dias weekend. One leader there in particular just spoke volumes to me... I found myself aching for his healing from cancer and to relieve his families pain. I heard God clearly speak to me that He was going to show Himself to me in a very real way in the months to follow my Tres Dias weekend. After returning home I was sure I could leave my troubles behind... I could face the world with a new light, a new and fresh belief in God. But the truth is I wasn't walking in the light that God was shining... I was walking in my own selfish beliefs. Days before serving on V.N. # 8 I found myself struggling with Buddhism. Something that has long been a source of interest and conflict in my life. It partly stems from my interest in China and Southeast Asia. I thought that Tres Dias would have cleared this issue in my life right up. But I soon realized that Tres Dias does not in and of itself solve any problems.

I drove to the campground to serve with a heavy heart. Unsure of what I truly believed in, and unsure of how people would react if they found out. I upheld to the best of my ability my composure all weekend. Careful not to be to obvious in my lack of participation in both communion and prayer. I took a special sort of pride in my ability to mask what was really going on in my life with typical Christian phrases and responses to answers. Example: "What has God been doing in your life lately?". My clever answer..."Oh gosh, where to begin. So much. He has been so faithful in everything, work and family stuff. How about you?". Careful enough to be vague enough so as not to have follow up questions, but not too vague as to leave them questioning my honesty. The weekend was spent contemplating leaving the campground. I spent the nights laying awake... thinking about things I had read in the previous days from Buddhist texts and comparing them to things I had heard on the weekend. I listened quietly to various conversations of other Christians... seeking wisdom and understanding from anyone who might understand what was going on my life. I heard comments about how good the talks were, how great the food was or was not, and beautiful the conference room was set up. But no one let on to signs of struggle in the past with other religions. I felt alone... I spent as much time alone as was possible. I cried much of the time I was alone, but feigned off my watery eyes for tiredness and allergies. I would have gladly given the money in my pocket... given all of my belongings with me on the campground to have just one person to talk to. During the weekend God reminded me of His promise to show Himself to me. He reminded me that He wants to be my hero.

Amongst my efforts to elude God, I found a sudden desire to begin drawing. But even in the midst of my drawing I could not escape God. I found myself drawing flowers and butterflies... and writing things with them like "Jesus Is My Comfort" or "You Are The Apple Of Gods Eye". But one particular picture became more than a simple drawing. It is a picture of this little girl wearing a princess tiara and a superhero cape. She is kneeling before the cross in a field of flowers and butterflies are flying all around. I guess you could say it is my inspiration for the phrase "Jesus Is My Hero". Because isn't that what I was truly seeking? A hero? I wanted someone I could depend on...someone I could trust to be there for me all of the time.

I used to think that to be a Christian you believed in God but depended on other Christians. When I was hurt and let down by Christians it was a huge blow. So I did the most logical thing... I ran... I began seeking other religions for my answers. Buddhism provided a sense of security in that the only one who could let me down was me. I didn't have to trust anyone else, I just had to love and have compassion for them. I begin spending more and more time in Buddhist Meditation. I found myself rising early and meditating at hours that I had never risen to pray at. I was faithful to get up and spend at least 15 minutes each morning. And without fail I spent at least 15 minutes each night. I would sit quietly and reflect on my breathing. I would calm my mind and my body, and I would allow myself to become mindful of my breathing. From there I would focus on something in particular... Maybe one day it was letting go of painful emotions... maybe one day it was finding joy and peace. But each day I found myself a little more at a time drifting from the Christian faith, but never not hearing the voice of God. Each morning as I would rise I would feel convicted to spend time with God rather than in meditation on the Buddha. I constantly felt God tugging on my heart to just listen to Him.

Why was it so hard to just trust God? All He wanted me to do was allow Him to be my hero. But for years my view had been blurred... I had been putting my faith in Christians rather than Christ. And putting your faith in people will always leave you broken hearted and disappointed. Perhaps finally I came to my senses... Perhaps it was the encouragement and godly advice of a dear friend and sister in Christ who let me know I wasn't alone. But it was probably the prayers of those who I realize really do care about me. God was there all along. He hasn't left me alone. He has allowed me to walk the path I have walked in order to become closer to Him... and to deepen my trust in Him. It is with much faith and determination now that I can seek Him as my God, my Savior and yes... My hero.

So why you ask were V.N. # 8 and V.N. #9 special to me... Though 9 has yet to come. #8 was special in and of the fact that God reminded me of that wonderful promise He made on my Tres Dias weekend... God told me He was going to do something big. He did. # 9 is going to be special... I don't know just how yet. But God is revealing Himself to me a little more each day... He is loving me and keeping His promises just like He always says He will and always does. Yes... Jesus Is My Hero... And I have much to be thankful for... most of which is that I have no more need to search for someone to trust completely with my life and with my future. He holds it in His hands. His steady, perfect and loving hands.