Rocky Road.

Today was an awkward kind of day. It was my first confrontation with the fact that I am no longer Buddhist. Ok ok... Get this I knew that it was no longer a thing in my life. But it seemed like today I actually realized it.

Let me take you through my day today... perhaps it will "enlighten" you. First of all I woke up at my "normal" 4:30. Yes it's a time. Yes I know it's crazy, but that is the time I was waking up to meditate. So I wake up and reach for my Ipod that contains all my guided meditations. (Remember this is 4 in the morning... I am not awake.) So I get into "position" and I am ready... all this before I even realize what I am doing. Now I'm thinking this is awkward... So I shift my position to kneeling beside my bed and I pray for a bit and go about getting ready for work. Before we go any further, let's get this straight, I haven't gotten up with the intent to meditate in almost a week and today I awoke in the "zone". Ok, back to the story. I'm in the car getting ready for my drive to work. Normally this would consist of A.) An album entitled Buddhism and Science or B.) Some other Buddhist music to which I can not name the c.d. So I get in the car and pop in the disc, again getting almost half way through the first song before I even realize what I am singing. So I change the disc at the red light popping in some SonicFlood...the original pink disc that everyone on Earth owns. And again I pray and ask God to help me through the day and thanking Him for saving me from the very thing I have felt myself wrapped up in today.

I get to work and things are going smoothly. We are discussing soup... particularly the soup I like at work Tomato with Fennel and Dill. And in general we are having a good time. Then the rush hits and we get slammed. So we work through it somehow, but by this point I am on edge. I have had to run 3 positions on the line so the other 3 could carry food to tables, and I am stressed beyond belief. I tell my boss I need a break and I step outside. But this time... this time rather than doing my normal meditation to calm my nerves... this time I find a nice spot under the oak tree out back and I talk to God. Ahh... refreshing. Very very refreshing.

A few minutes later I am calm enough to compose myself and walk back into work without getting angry. By this time everyone is hyper and making fun of everyone else. So naturally we get on the topic of religions... Yes. The topic of the hour. The single topic I had hoped would be avoided for a few weeks. In this discussion I find myself DEFENDING Buddhism. Afterwards I was like YOU IDIOT!!! YOU DEFENDED IT!!!

I don't get it. All day... ALL day long with the exception of walking out back, all day long I have felt myself slipping. And it's not even like it has been hard before this. It's like someone else is working my mind. I hate it so badly... because all I want to do is leave that lifestyle behind. I don't want to wake up in the morning to meditate and pray to Buddha. I just want to follow God. Only God.

And I don't get why that single desire is the hardest task on Earth. And now I am sitting here... on my laptop on my bed... and all I can think about is the amount of stress I feel and have felt in the last week. The amount of pressure... The guilt and shame.... The fear and doubt. It's like this never ending lump in my throat... caught there and I can't swallow it. I want more than anything to be done with it. To say adios to it all... But somehow I know it's not going to be that easy.

WHY IS THIS STILL AN ISSUE?!?! I feel so stressed out. I feel as if nothing on Earth could be worse, and yet going back to Christ... He makes it seem like nothing on Earth could be better. So I am caught between the love of my life, Jesus... and the thing in my life that most holds me back.

I think I need time to straighten it out with God. He can make things right.

Peace out.

Jess



p.s. I also realize it seems like nothing has been changed... but my Ipod does not any longer contain the meditations, I reached for it out of habit. And the discs are no longer in existence. The ones I mentioned hearing in the car.