I must admit that today has left me in sort of a bad mood and feeling a little discouraged. Seems my cell phone didn't want to cooperate and I kept losing touch with a really good friend of mine on the phone, then when we could finally talk without losing signal, I ended up having to mediate an argument. So I had to hang up there.
Seems faith has been hard to keep the last day or so. I know the whole there will be hard times and such. It's just so confusing to me right now. It's not hard stuff like just work stuff. It's over all life stress is building and building and I'm not sure where to go with it, what to do with it, how to deal with it all. My one friend tells me to take it to God, one friend tells me that I just need to go sit and meditate for a while, and yet another "friend" tells me to come over his place and we can talk. Yea, right, talk... That's all I need is to go for a talk and find out in two weeks I'm pregnant. He isn't the least bit interested in talking about anything... well maybe about one thing.
For those who read this, please pray. I feel myself slipping once again and it's a bit scary. I have prayed and asked God for help. I don't know. I just feel alone in this struggle, even though I am not the first to deal with this issue, nor am I the last.
Good night. I need to sleep... perhaps that will make it better.
Jess
29.5.07
25.5.07
Inspiration.
Tonight I had the wonderful opportunity to go out by myself. To walk the mall, shop in Blockbuster Video, and raid the left over pastries at Atlanta Bread Company all by myself. It was quite nice, contrary to what people would think.
While I was out browsing I happened to notice this older couple, probably in their seventies. They were so cute, he had on the typical old guy khaki pants with the brown loafers and the blue striped shirt tucked in with a belt. Oh, and don't forget the hat... you know the kind I am talking about. She had on a light blue pants/shirt outfit and had her hair curled just right. The cutest old people in the mall by far. I watched them, as they unknowingly became the theme of this post, the way they held hands. The way he carried the tray to the table in the food court, and set it down in order to pull out her chair for her. He was a true gentleman through and through. As they left the food court I couldn't help but smile and wonder what it will be like when I get that old. Will that be me and my future husband 50-60 years down the road?
As I was leaving the mall, once again I saw this couple. They must have been tired because they were walking extra slow. He was carrying the two shopping bags in one hand, and her hand was still planted in his other hand.I sat in my car and watched them walk to their car. He opened her car door for her, and I even saw him sneak a kiss on her cheek before he shut the door. Then he walked slowly around the car, as he did I noticed a big grin on his face. It was almost like he was on his first date with her and that was his first kiss. It was so sweet. He started the car and off they drove.
I make a point of this at this time in my life because well... Marriage has been a big thought topic lately in my life. I am at the age a lot of my friends are married and some of them have children. Most of my friends are living on their own, and most of those friends live out of state. It's hard to sit back and watch it all. I want to be part of that world... to have my own place, to have found "the one" that I am going to share my life with. To have kids... And before I get the "You're too young" or the "You don't want kids..." lectures. YES I do. My parents had 14 foster children at one point in my life, I have changed enough diapers, taken enough temperatures, bandaged enough knees, given enough baths, fixed enough dinner... I get it, there is a lot of work involved. But that doesn't change the desire deep inside.
I'm not sure where to go with this... other than it is taking more than a "little" self control to stay focused on God. Well that's all for now I suppose. Honestly...
Jess
While I was out browsing I happened to notice this older couple, probably in their seventies. They were so cute, he had on the typical old guy khaki pants with the brown loafers and the blue striped shirt tucked in with a belt. Oh, and don't forget the hat... you know the kind I am talking about. She had on a light blue pants/shirt outfit and had her hair curled just right. The cutest old people in the mall by far. I watched them, as they unknowingly became the theme of this post, the way they held hands. The way he carried the tray to the table in the food court, and set it down in order to pull out her chair for her. He was a true gentleman through and through. As they left the food court I couldn't help but smile and wonder what it will be like when I get that old. Will that be me and my future husband 50-60 years down the road?
As I was leaving the mall, once again I saw this couple. They must have been tired because they were walking extra slow. He was carrying the two shopping bags in one hand, and her hand was still planted in his other hand.I sat in my car and watched them walk to their car. He opened her car door for her, and I even saw him sneak a kiss on her cheek before he shut the door. Then he walked slowly around the car, as he did I noticed a big grin on his face. It was almost like he was on his first date with her and that was his first kiss. It was so sweet. He started the car and off they drove.
I make a point of this at this time in my life because well... Marriage has been a big thought topic lately in my life. I am at the age a lot of my friends are married and some of them have children. Most of my friends are living on their own, and most of those friends live out of state. It's hard to sit back and watch it all. I want to be part of that world... to have my own place, to have found "the one" that I am going to share my life with. To have kids... And before I get the "You're too young" or the "You don't want kids..." lectures. YES I do. My parents had 14 foster children at one point in my life, I have changed enough diapers, taken enough temperatures, bandaged enough knees, given enough baths, fixed enough dinner... I get it, there is a lot of work involved. But that doesn't change the desire deep inside.
I'm not sure where to go with this... other than it is taking more than a "little" self control to stay focused on God. Well that's all for now I suppose. Honestly...
Jess
21.5.07
Fear or Discretion?
The past few weeks have been a spectacular time in my life. I have really begun to understand things in the Christian faith that I never grasped before. Especially the term Faith. What a wonderful and yet so complex word that is. God has been so good to patiently teach me little by little all the things I needed to learn and relearn, and I am still a work in progress... It's beautiful.
I have been chatting with different people over the past few days. Some of whom have visited and read the stuff on this blog. Some of whom have no knowledge of the past few months in my life and don't know about this blog. I began thinking today... Is the reason I "hide" this blog because of fear or discretion?
Am I afraid of what others will think? Well... that depends on which way you are looking at it. The only one I truly care about their opinions is obviously God. But yes, there are people in my life that at this time I do fear that it would do more harm than good for them to know every detail of my life. And there are some that I highly doubt will ever have any knowledge of this information. This is not because I am ashamed of these past few months. Because while I am not proud to have walked away from Christ, I am proud to say that I have once again returned to His loving arms, and I have turned my life back over to Him. But that doesn't mean that every person I know needs to know this stuff about me.
I have no problem sharing this information with some people I have grown quite fond of within the VN community and other friends and some family. There is one in particular that really helped me through some rough times and even helped me find humor in it all. To her I owe more than is imaginable because while I am sure I could have made it back on my own, without her help it might have taken me longer.
But there are some people who I feel would be immature with this, or would do as so many have done with mistakes I have made and hold it against me. Use it much like a knife to stab me again and again, until finally I break down and concede to their demands... which is often to ridicule myself until I feel degraded and worthless.
I am not worthless, I am full of worth. God loves me with a passion beyond human comprehension. And while I burst to tell everyone of His saving grace, and His forgiveness, I believe that some people can hear the right thing without hearing everything.
That is my view on why some people have access to this and others don't. For those who have stumbled upon this site, by my invitation, by link, by Google or simply by random accident, please take into consideration the words of the VN weekend. What is said on the campground stays on the campground, and apply that to this blog. What is said in the blog stays in the blog. I have no problems discussing these things with you in chat, on the phone or in person, but do not discuss them amongst yourselves, or try to use this against me in the future to hold me back. I will not be held hostage by my past. It is just that... the past.
Well, sorry if this post seems "harsh" or out of place. But I feel that it is something that needs to be posted to prevent further incidents.
Jess
I have been chatting with different people over the past few days. Some of whom have visited and read the stuff on this blog. Some of whom have no knowledge of the past few months in my life and don't know about this blog. I began thinking today... Is the reason I "hide" this blog because of fear or discretion?
Am I afraid of what others will think? Well... that depends on which way you are looking at it. The only one I truly care about their opinions is obviously God. But yes, there are people in my life that at this time I do fear that it would do more harm than good for them to know every detail of my life. And there are some that I highly doubt will ever have any knowledge of this information. This is not because I am ashamed of these past few months. Because while I am not proud to have walked away from Christ, I am proud to say that I have once again returned to His loving arms, and I have turned my life back over to Him. But that doesn't mean that every person I know needs to know this stuff about me.
I have no problem sharing this information with some people I have grown quite fond of within the VN community and other friends and some family. There is one in particular that really helped me through some rough times and even helped me find humor in it all. To her I owe more than is imaginable because while I am sure I could have made it back on my own, without her help it might have taken me longer.
But there are some people who I feel would be immature with this, or would do as so many have done with mistakes I have made and hold it against me. Use it much like a knife to stab me again and again, until finally I break down and concede to their demands... which is often to ridicule myself until I feel degraded and worthless.
I am not worthless, I am full of worth. God loves me with a passion beyond human comprehension. And while I burst to tell everyone of His saving grace, and His forgiveness, I believe that some people can hear the right thing without hearing everything.
That is my view on why some people have access to this and others don't. For those who have stumbled upon this site, by my invitation, by link, by Google or simply by random accident, please take into consideration the words of the VN weekend. What is said on the campground stays on the campground, and apply that to this blog. What is said in the blog stays in the blog. I have no problems discussing these things with you in chat, on the phone or in person, but do not discuss them amongst yourselves, or try to use this against me in the future to hold me back. I will not be held hostage by my past. It is just that... the past.
Well, sorry if this post seems "harsh" or out of place. But I feel that it is something that needs to be posted to prevent further incidents.
Jess
19.5.07
"Trust Me" -Crystal Lewis
"Trust Me" by Crystal Lewis
Close your eyes, take a step. It's ok, I know where we're going.
Don't fret, I've been before. Through these valleys, down this long and dangerous roads.
Yet dark as they seem...
Trust Me, though you can't see.
You can trust Me, the way may be steep.
You can trust Me.
Let Me lead, trust Me.
Open your eyes, but don't let go of My hand.
Let your tears give way to smiles, see the joy inside the trial.
Don't worry, you're safe with Me around.
Rest assured, I'm on your side. I won't let you hit the ground.
But close as it seems...
Trust me, though you can't see.
You can trust Me, the way may be steep.
You can trust Me.
Let me lead, trust Me.
See I know that what's in front of you, isn't always clear.
But you must believe that in your hearts, that I'm here.
Trust me, though you can't see.
You can trust Me, the way may be steep.
You can trust Me.
Let Me lead, trust Me.
-------------------------------------------------<3------------------------------------------
I don't know why. I just thought the lyrics of this song is all the post I need to make for tonight.
Enjoy and be blessed. Oh.. and don't forget to Trust God.
Jess
Close your eyes, take a step. It's ok, I know where we're going.
Don't fret, I've been before. Through these valleys, down this long and dangerous roads.
Yet dark as they seem...
Trust Me, though you can't see.
You can trust Me, the way may be steep.
You can trust Me.
Let Me lead, trust Me.
Open your eyes, but don't let go of My hand.
Let your tears give way to smiles, see the joy inside the trial.
Don't worry, you're safe with Me around.
Rest assured, I'm on your side. I won't let you hit the ground.
But close as it seems...
Trust me, though you can't see.
You can trust Me, the way may be steep.
You can trust Me.
Let me lead, trust Me.
See I know that what's in front of you, isn't always clear.
But you must believe that in your hearts, that I'm here.
Trust me, though you can't see.
You can trust Me, the way may be steep.
You can trust Me.
Let Me lead, trust Me.
-------------------------------------------------<3------------------------------------------
I don't know why. I just thought the lyrics of this song is all the post I need to make for tonight.
Enjoy and be blessed. Oh.. and don't forget to Trust God.
Jess
15.5.07
Insecurities.
Insecurities are a funny thing. Think about the things that make you feel insecure? Perhaps being alone or maybe being put in charge or something. Maybe you feel insecure when you are in a larger group of people or meeting a new person for the first time. Perhaps technology in and of itself can make you feel insecure.
For me, my biggest insecurities come not so much when I am alone, but more so when I feel alone, because there is a big difference. Some nights I come home from work and I don't want to talk on the phone or get on the internet, I just want to be by myself and alone in my room. Quiet, contemplative and peaceful. Other times I come home from work, or more often so on my days off and I just want to be near a friend or hear their voice. It's times like this that my insecurities start to creep in. What if they aren't calling me back because they don't like me? What if they are planning something and I am not going to be invited or involved? What if they are talking about me behind my back? What if...what if... what if...
I spend so much of my time feeling that I have to please everyone. But... very little of my time is spent trying to please the One that truly matters, God. I suppose this is true of very many Christians today... because of our fast paced society and technology, we often forget God in everything. But it's in the times I feel insecure and unsure of myself that if I stop and just listen, I don't hear God whispering "I Love You"... I hear Him doing everything but showing up "in person" to tell me. He's screaming it with the birds in the skies singing, whispering it in the gentle breeze, repeating it with a soft summer shower, and singing it like the warm sunshine on my face. It's so beautiful it makes me cry sometimes. God loves me... no matter how insecure or alone I feel, I am never alone because He is always right there with me.
I hardly remember a time in my life that I have felt so alive as I do in this very moment. Just the amount of love I have felt from God today... how clear His voice has been in my life... It's beautiful.
My prayer for you today is that you would also feel the love of God... that you would embrace every single second of it, and hold on to it for dear life. God's love is the best kind of love, it's unfailing, always true and isn't conditional. Let God love you... let God cover your insecurities... In the areas you and I are weakest, He is strong! So take hold of that today and throughout the course of your life. Remember who you are and whose you are.
Jess
For me, my biggest insecurities come not so much when I am alone, but more so when I feel alone, because there is a big difference. Some nights I come home from work and I don't want to talk on the phone or get on the internet, I just want to be by myself and alone in my room. Quiet, contemplative and peaceful. Other times I come home from work, or more often so on my days off and I just want to be near a friend or hear their voice. It's times like this that my insecurities start to creep in. What if they aren't calling me back because they don't like me? What if they are planning something and I am not going to be invited or involved? What if they are talking about me behind my back? What if...what if... what if...
I spend so much of my time feeling that I have to please everyone. But... very little of my time is spent trying to please the One that truly matters, God. I suppose this is true of very many Christians today... because of our fast paced society and technology, we often forget God in everything. But it's in the times I feel insecure and unsure of myself that if I stop and just listen, I don't hear God whispering "I Love You"... I hear Him doing everything but showing up "in person" to tell me. He's screaming it with the birds in the skies singing, whispering it in the gentle breeze, repeating it with a soft summer shower, and singing it like the warm sunshine on my face. It's so beautiful it makes me cry sometimes. God loves me... no matter how insecure or alone I feel, I am never alone because He is always right there with me.
I hardly remember a time in my life that I have felt so alive as I do in this very moment. Just the amount of love I have felt from God today... how clear His voice has been in my life... It's beautiful.
My prayer for you today is that you would also feel the love of God... that you would embrace every single second of it, and hold on to it for dear life. God's love is the best kind of love, it's unfailing, always true and isn't conditional. Let God love you... let God cover your insecurities... In the areas you and I are weakest, He is strong! So take hold of that today and throughout the course of your life. Remember who you are and whose you are.
Jess
14.5.07
You Made The Right Decision.
I think sometimes when a Christian strays away from the faith, or when a new believer comes out of a different religion into Christianity it can have this sort of effect on your mind. Did I make the right decision?
That is the question that has been plaguing my mind for the past day or so. Did I make the right decision? Was turning to Christ and leaving Buddhism really the wisest decision I could have made? What if Buddhism was right? What if I am wrong? What if I made this choice and I stumble yet again with it... What if I find myself falling back into the hole? Did I really make the right decision?
The Bible says that if we believe with our hearts and confess with our mouths that Jesus is Lord than we shall be saved. Do I believe that? Absolutely...Without a doubt... 100%. But lately it has seemed more and more that that mindset is hard to keep. Everything reminds me of the struggles in my life. Everything seems significant, and everything feels like a battle raging inside. It sounds odd... I guess from a blog readers perspective it is. But to truly go through it... It's even weirder. It's like everything I do, I can relate to my spiritual life. (Just read my last few blogs... painting my room is a life lesson at the moment.)
I seem to be using my instructor a lot as a point of interest in my blog... But he is a very insightful and understanding individual when it comes to dealing with many of the same issues I am dealing with right now. Sometimes I truly doubt how much he knows about how much of an impact he has made on my life... probably because the times he has made the biggest impact are those that were probably common things or "mindless" responses to a particular question or problem. Tonight after class was over and we were all walking out to our cars he asked me how things are going with Christ. First off it is very encouraging just to have some one ask you that to your face and then take the time to really listen. I told him things were "good" and that it's just "weird" at times. He told me that he has been down the same road and that I can talk to him any time I have questions. Simple enough. I thanked him and started across the parking lot to my car... Then he says "You made the right decision." ... Right out of the blue... With no further comments... just a kind smile and a wave.
I drove home in silence contemplating this very phrase. He didn't know I was struggling with this question of whether or not I made the right decision. Such a simple phrase. Such a simple affirmation to me. I love it.
Well I am gonna get going. Peace Out.
Jess
That is the question that has been plaguing my mind for the past day or so. Did I make the right decision? Was turning to Christ and leaving Buddhism really the wisest decision I could have made? What if Buddhism was right? What if I am wrong? What if I made this choice and I stumble yet again with it... What if I find myself falling back into the hole? Did I really make the right decision?
The Bible says that if we believe with our hearts and confess with our mouths that Jesus is Lord than we shall be saved. Do I believe that? Absolutely...Without a doubt... 100%. But lately it has seemed more and more that that mindset is hard to keep. Everything reminds me of the struggles in my life. Everything seems significant, and everything feels like a battle raging inside. It sounds odd... I guess from a blog readers perspective it is. But to truly go through it... It's even weirder. It's like everything I do, I can relate to my spiritual life. (Just read my last few blogs... painting my room is a life lesson at the moment.)
I seem to be using my instructor a lot as a point of interest in my blog... But he is a very insightful and understanding individual when it comes to dealing with many of the same issues I am dealing with right now. Sometimes I truly doubt how much he knows about how much of an impact he has made on my life... probably because the times he has made the biggest impact are those that were probably common things or "mindless" responses to a particular question or problem. Tonight after class was over and we were all walking out to our cars he asked me how things are going with Christ. First off it is very encouraging just to have some one ask you that to your face and then take the time to really listen. I told him things were "good" and that it's just "weird" at times. He told me that he has been down the same road and that I can talk to him any time I have questions. Simple enough. I thanked him and started across the parking lot to my car... Then he says "You made the right decision." ... Right out of the blue... With no further comments... just a kind smile and a wave.
I drove home in silence contemplating this very phrase. He didn't know I was struggling with this question of whether or not I made the right decision. Such a simple phrase. Such a simple affirmation to me. I love it.
Well I am gonna get going. Peace Out.
Jess
12.5.07
Testing.
June 4 starts our testing in Kung Fu for the next belt level. I must say that with each upcoming testing I find myself a little more nervous each time. This time I am either getting one stripe on my green belt or actually earning my brown belt. I want my brown belt, but the very thought of it causes butterflies in my stomach. Brown belt... that is just a little more than 9 months away testing wise from black belt. And while I feel ready to get that black belt... to show the world that I, Jessica L. Coosey, can finish something... I realize the great responsibility a black belt holds. It also makes me realize just how very little I know about my art.
So, today after work I got to looking up the verse I need to know for my next testing regardless of which belt I actually earn. It's "So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God." Romans 14:12. And it is absolutely amazing to me that at this time in my life that would be the verse given to me. Now, it wasn't given to me by my instructor because of this time in my life, the curriculum he follows actually makes this the green belt one stripe verse. But it just amazes me because it's so... I don't know the word... Perhaps sobering to think about.
I've been on this "high" lately. Anyone who has ever found joy in Christ can relate to the joy I am feeling now. But at the same time, amongst all this joy I have felt. I have seemed to set aside the fact that one day I will have to give an account of my time here on Earth to God. One day I will have to stand before the ultimate and most supreme Judge and give a testimony of my life. Why He should allow me into heaven. And I can't say now that looking back I have done anything truly worthy of getting into heaven. But I can say that I have given my life to God... And I trust Jesus as my savior.
This verse all follows closely with the character qualities I have been told to think about... Virtue and Responsibility. Perhaps they were chosen to go hand and hand with the verse... perhaps they are randomly chosen for each belt level. But I think that these qualities have had a great play in my life lately. Esp. that of responsibility. I have had to in a way GROW UP a lot lately. I have gone from being in charge of just a small amount of people at a Chick Fil A or Chipotle to being in charge of an entire store. I am in charge of ensuring the truck order is put away right, I make the schedule... I train people and make sure everyone is on task.... It's quite a job load.
So yea... growth is taking place in my life. I have picked up a new line...
Life is interesting... no wait the other thing... tedious.
It's partly from Bender off of Futurama.
But the line works... I work... and I have got to get back to cleaning my room. I decided to paint it. So all yal better come see it soon.
Jess
So, today after work I got to looking up the verse I need to know for my next testing regardless of which belt I actually earn. It's "So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God." Romans 14:12. And it is absolutely amazing to me that at this time in my life that would be the verse given to me. Now, it wasn't given to me by my instructor because of this time in my life, the curriculum he follows actually makes this the green belt one stripe verse. But it just amazes me because it's so... I don't know the word... Perhaps sobering to think about.
I've been on this "high" lately. Anyone who has ever found joy in Christ can relate to the joy I am feeling now. But at the same time, amongst all this joy I have felt. I have seemed to set aside the fact that one day I will have to give an account of my time here on Earth to God. One day I will have to stand before the ultimate and most supreme Judge and give a testimony of my life. Why He should allow me into heaven. And I can't say now that looking back I have done anything truly worthy of getting into heaven. But I can say that I have given my life to God... And I trust Jesus as my savior.
This verse all follows closely with the character qualities I have been told to think about... Virtue and Responsibility. Perhaps they were chosen to go hand and hand with the verse... perhaps they are randomly chosen for each belt level. But I think that these qualities have had a great play in my life lately. Esp. that of responsibility. I have had to in a way GROW UP a lot lately. I have gone from being in charge of just a small amount of people at a Chick Fil A or Chipotle to being in charge of an entire store. I am in charge of ensuring the truck order is put away right, I make the schedule... I train people and make sure everyone is on task.... It's quite a job load.
So yea... growth is taking place in my life. I have picked up a new line...
Life is interesting... no wait the other thing... tedious.
It's partly from Bender off of Futurama.
But the line works... I work... and I have got to get back to cleaning my room. I decided to paint it. So all yal better come see it soon.
Jess
9.5.07
Cleaning My Room?
So today I was cleaning up my room and I got to thinking. Naturally of course everything in my life has a deeper meaning... cleaning my room, drinking a soda, working out, etc.
So back to the topic. As I was cleaning my room I got to thinking that perhaps it is time I painted my room again. I have had blue in my room for quite some time, and I think I am ready to move on. I was thinking a nice beige or tan color. It would still work with the "theme" I have going on in my room. Actually it might compliment it a little better. I was also thinking perhaps I would clean up some of the furniture I have spread out all over my room.
As I was thinking about all this I was thinking how this could relate to my spiritual life... my life in Christ. For so long in my life I have been blue... blue in this instance representing my suffocating without "air"... without the breath of life in my life. I need to be alive again. I need to "clean up" my life and the things that hold me back in my walk with Christ. Perhaps that means for a time putting away a lot of my books even though they don't directly steer me from Christ.
Just a thought...Good stuff.
Jess
So back to the topic. As I was cleaning my room I got to thinking that perhaps it is time I painted my room again. I have had blue in my room for quite some time, and I think I am ready to move on. I was thinking a nice beige or tan color. It would still work with the "theme" I have going on in my room. Actually it might compliment it a little better. I was also thinking perhaps I would clean up some of the furniture I have spread out all over my room.
As I was thinking about all this I was thinking how this could relate to my spiritual life... my life in Christ. For so long in my life I have been blue... blue in this instance representing my suffocating without "air"... without the breath of life in my life. I need to be alive again. I need to "clean up" my life and the things that hold me back in my walk with Christ. Perhaps that means for a time putting away a lot of my books even though they don't directly steer me from Christ.
Just a thought...Good stuff.
Jess
5.5.07
Grace.
Well... Let's see. Where do I want to go with todays post? It has been a pretty good day. My little brother is doing well at work, and found out he is getting paid more than minimum wage. (Mark not Roy.) We were very busy, and the owners were only in for a few hours to see us through the breakfast and lunch rush and then they left quickly. Prep was pretty light today, so it took no time at all, and I had the best lunch ever... Turkey Sandwich and Tomato Soup. Yummy.
So all in all I guess my day is going pretty well now isn't it.
Today I was thinking about grace as I was doing the short amount of prep to be done. More specifically I was thinking about God's grace. I have heard it defined as God's riches at Christ's expense or unmerited favor. Both of them are pretty intense definitions of what appears to be such a simple word.
It is truly by the grace of God that I am alive and well today, there is no doubt about that in my mind. (All things considered.) And it is the grace of God that my family is together, whole and none of them are in jail or J.D.C.
Gods' grace has been truly shown in and through my life. It has also been a bit of a theme in my life lately. I attend Grace Martial Arts, at one point I was going to Grace Christian Fellowship, my birds name is Hannah Grace.... and so on. It is a reminder to me each time I go to class and hear my instructor speak on grace just how much I have been saved from. And it's not even just about these past few months... things further back in my life, some things that I have never mentioned before, some I have told, some have almost been made known publicly, or so it seems.
So many people... Christians... think they don't have a testimony because they were saved at 4, raised in a Christian home with two parents, they have never done drugs or alcohol or had sex before marriage. They never ran away or got involved in another religion. They were involved in youth group and they were leaders in church. Some people don't think that is a testimony... but that is the most amazing testimony in the world to me. To see Gods' grace in their life... they have been spared all the hurt and pain associated with getting involved in sexual relationships, they have been spared the spiritual struggles of participating in another religion.
Yes, I think it is wonderful when people come to Christ... I love it, I really do. But I think it is extra special to hear of someone who has known Christ all their lives. I think that any testimony is a great testimony of Gods grace. Think about it... God didn't have to save any of us... because none of us deserve it. But He did. He sent Jesus for us because He loves us. God loves us... every single one of us.
Not all of us have the same background, not all of us grew up knowing Christ. But that is what makes the body of Christ so unique and so beautiful to be a part of. You can talk to someone one day and find out that they ran away at the age of 15 and they got pregnant and they were raised Muslim and now they are living for God. And then you can meet someone the next day who knew at a young age that Jesus was Lord of their life, and they have made it a point to live each day for Him, and they are witnessing and bringing people to Jesus. And both of those things are so beautiful.
Perhaps I am getting to the point where I am babbling on... So I will close out this post now. But as you go throughout today just think about the life you have and the life you could have had. If it isn't what you want it to be, talk to God. Ask Him for wisdom and guidance. He will give it... I know He will and He always does.
Peace Out.
Jess
So all in all I guess my day is going pretty well now isn't it.
Today I was thinking about grace as I was doing the short amount of prep to be done. More specifically I was thinking about God's grace. I have heard it defined as God's riches at Christ's expense or unmerited favor. Both of them are pretty intense definitions of what appears to be such a simple word.
It is truly by the grace of God that I am alive and well today, there is no doubt about that in my mind. (All things considered.) And it is the grace of God that my family is together, whole and none of them are in jail or J.D.C.
Gods' grace has been truly shown in and through my life. It has also been a bit of a theme in my life lately. I attend Grace Martial Arts, at one point I was going to Grace Christian Fellowship, my birds name is Hannah Grace.... and so on. It is a reminder to me each time I go to class and hear my instructor speak on grace just how much I have been saved from. And it's not even just about these past few months... things further back in my life, some things that I have never mentioned before, some I have told, some have almost been made known publicly, or so it seems.
So many people... Christians... think they don't have a testimony because they were saved at 4, raised in a Christian home with two parents, they have never done drugs or alcohol or had sex before marriage. They never ran away or got involved in another religion. They were involved in youth group and they were leaders in church. Some people don't think that is a testimony... but that is the most amazing testimony in the world to me. To see Gods' grace in their life... they have been spared all the hurt and pain associated with getting involved in sexual relationships, they have been spared the spiritual struggles of participating in another religion.
Yes, I think it is wonderful when people come to Christ... I love it, I really do. But I think it is extra special to hear of someone who has known Christ all their lives. I think that any testimony is a great testimony of Gods grace. Think about it... God didn't have to save any of us... because none of us deserve it. But He did. He sent Jesus for us because He loves us. God loves us... every single one of us.
Not all of us have the same background, not all of us grew up knowing Christ. But that is what makes the body of Christ so unique and so beautiful to be a part of. You can talk to someone one day and find out that they ran away at the age of 15 and they got pregnant and they were raised Muslim and now they are living for God. And then you can meet someone the next day who knew at a young age that Jesus was Lord of their life, and they have made it a point to live each day for Him, and they are witnessing and bringing people to Jesus. And both of those things are so beautiful.
Perhaps I am getting to the point where I am babbling on... So I will close out this post now. But as you go throughout today just think about the life you have and the life you could have had. If it isn't what you want it to be, talk to God. Ask Him for wisdom and guidance. He will give it... I know He will and He always does.
Peace Out.
Jess
3.5.07
Rocky Road.
Today was an awkward kind of day. It was my first confrontation with the fact that I am no longer Buddhist. Ok ok... Get this I knew that it was no longer a thing in my life. But it seemed like today I actually realized it.
Let me take you through my day today... perhaps it will "enlighten" you. First of all I woke up at my "normal" 4:30. Yes it's a time. Yes I know it's crazy, but that is the time I was waking up to meditate. So I wake up and reach for my Ipod that contains all my guided meditations. (Remember this is 4 in the morning... I am not awake.) So I get into "position" and I am ready... all this before I even realize what I am doing. Now I'm thinking this is awkward... So I shift my position to kneeling beside my bed and I pray for a bit and go about getting ready for work. Before we go any further, let's get this straight, I haven't gotten up with the intent to meditate in almost a week and today I awoke in the "zone". Ok, back to the story. I'm in the car getting ready for my drive to work. Normally this would consist of A.) An album entitled Buddhism and Science or B.) Some other Buddhist music to which I can not name the c.d. So I get in the car and pop in the disc, again getting almost half way through the first song before I even realize what I am singing. So I change the disc at the red light popping in some SonicFlood...the original pink disc that everyone on Earth owns. And again I pray and ask God to help me through the day and thanking Him for saving me from the very thing I have felt myself wrapped up in today.
I get to work and things are going smoothly. We are discussing soup... particularly the soup I like at work Tomato with Fennel and Dill. And in general we are having a good time. Then the rush hits and we get slammed. So we work through it somehow, but by this point I am on edge. I have had to run 3 positions on the line so the other 3 could carry food to tables, and I am stressed beyond belief. I tell my boss I need a break and I step outside. But this time... this time rather than doing my normal meditation to calm my nerves... this time I find a nice spot under the oak tree out back and I talk to God. Ahh... refreshing. Very very refreshing.
A few minutes later I am calm enough to compose myself and walk back into work without getting angry. By this time everyone is hyper and making fun of everyone else. So naturally we get on the topic of religions... Yes. The topic of the hour. The single topic I had hoped would be avoided for a few weeks. In this discussion I find myself DEFENDING Buddhism. Afterwards I was like YOU IDIOT!!! YOU DEFENDED IT!!!
I don't get it. All day... ALL day long with the exception of walking out back, all day long I have felt myself slipping. And it's not even like it has been hard before this. It's like someone else is working my mind. I hate it so badly... because all I want to do is leave that lifestyle behind. I don't want to wake up in the morning to meditate and pray to Buddha. I just want to follow God. Only God.
And I don't get why that single desire is the hardest task on Earth. And now I am sitting here... on my laptop on my bed... and all I can think about is the amount of stress I feel and have felt in the last week. The amount of pressure... The guilt and shame.... The fear and doubt. It's like this never ending lump in my throat... caught there and I can't swallow it. I want more than anything to be done with it. To say adios to it all... But somehow I know it's not going to be that easy.
WHY IS THIS STILL AN ISSUE?!?! I feel so stressed out. I feel as if nothing on Earth could be worse, and yet going back to Christ... He makes it seem like nothing on Earth could be better. So I am caught between the love of my life, Jesus... and the thing in my life that most holds me back.
I think I need time to straighten it out with God. He can make things right.
Peace out.
Jess
p.s. I also realize it seems like nothing has been changed... but my Ipod does not any longer contain the meditations, I reached for it out of habit. And the discs are no longer in existence. The ones I mentioned hearing in the car.
Let me take you through my day today... perhaps it will "enlighten" you. First of all I woke up at my "normal" 4:30. Yes it's a time. Yes I know it's crazy, but that is the time I was waking up to meditate. So I wake up and reach for my Ipod that contains all my guided meditations. (Remember this is 4 in the morning... I am not awake.) So I get into "position" and I am ready... all this before I even realize what I am doing. Now I'm thinking this is awkward... So I shift my position to kneeling beside my bed and I pray for a bit and go about getting ready for work. Before we go any further, let's get this straight, I haven't gotten up with the intent to meditate in almost a week and today I awoke in the "zone". Ok, back to the story. I'm in the car getting ready for my drive to work. Normally this would consist of A.) An album entitled Buddhism and Science or B.) Some other Buddhist music to which I can not name the c.d. So I get in the car and pop in the disc, again getting almost half way through the first song before I even realize what I am singing. So I change the disc at the red light popping in some SonicFlood...the original pink disc that everyone on Earth owns. And again I pray and ask God to help me through the day and thanking Him for saving me from the very thing I have felt myself wrapped up in today.
I get to work and things are going smoothly. We are discussing soup... particularly the soup I like at work Tomato with Fennel and Dill. And in general we are having a good time. Then the rush hits and we get slammed. So we work through it somehow, but by this point I am on edge. I have had to run 3 positions on the line so the other 3 could carry food to tables, and I am stressed beyond belief. I tell my boss I need a break and I step outside. But this time... this time rather than doing my normal meditation to calm my nerves... this time I find a nice spot under the oak tree out back and I talk to God. Ahh... refreshing. Very very refreshing.
A few minutes later I am calm enough to compose myself and walk back into work without getting angry. By this time everyone is hyper and making fun of everyone else. So naturally we get on the topic of religions... Yes. The topic of the hour. The single topic I had hoped would be avoided for a few weeks. In this discussion I find myself DEFENDING Buddhism. Afterwards I was like YOU IDIOT!!! YOU DEFENDED IT!!!
I don't get it. All day... ALL day long with the exception of walking out back, all day long I have felt myself slipping. And it's not even like it has been hard before this. It's like someone else is working my mind. I hate it so badly... because all I want to do is leave that lifestyle behind. I don't want to wake up in the morning to meditate and pray to Buddha. I just want to follow God. Only God.
And I don't get why that single desire is the hardest task on Earth. And now I am sitting here... on my laptop on my bed... and all I can think about is the amount of stress I feel and have felt in the last week. The amount of pressure... The guilt and shame.... The fear and doubt. It's like this never ending lump in my throat... caught there and I can't swallow it. I want more than anything to be done with it. To say adios to it all... But somehow I know it's not going to be that easy.
WHY IS THIS STILL AN ISSUE?!?! I feel so stressed out. I feel as if nothing on Earth could be worse, and yet going back to Christ... He makes it seem like nothing on Earth could be better. So I am caught between the love of my life, Jesus... and the thing in my life that most holds me back.
I think I need time to straighten it out with God. He can make things right.
Peace out.
Jess
p.s. I also realize it seems like nothing has been changed... but my Ipod does not any longer contain the meditations, I reached for it out of habit. And the discs are no longer in existence. The ones I mentioned hearing in the car.
1.5.07
Spiritual Warfare.
It seems only right that since rededicating my life to Christ, that the enemy would attack double and triple times the effort than normal. But it seems to me, that the odd thing here is not that he is attacking, but that I am not turning tail and running back to Buddhism.
After a good long discussion with a good friend, and an exchange of several emails with my Sensei, I realize that this isn't going to be the most peaceful of times in my walk with Christ. I have angered the devil something fierce. But the thing I realize, even now, is that Jesus is bigger than any of those problems. Not only do I realize that, but I am willing to walk through these hard times if it means my faith will be strengthened. Jesus didn't die and rise for me to hear the truth and follow a lie.
Jesus didn't die for me to be a Buddhist. Jesus didn't die for me to bow to a statue of a dead man. I don't need "enlightenment", what I need is forgiveness and Gods grace in my life. The other things... wisdom, peace, joy, love, those things will follow. The things I sought most after in Buddhism are still the same things I desire in my walk with Christ. I desire to be able to love my neighbor, to be kind, gentle and forgiving. I greatly strive to be able to control my anger or to be bold about my faith.
Many changes are taking place in my heart and in my mind. So for those who know me, please keep me in your prayers.
Jess
After a good long discussion with a good friend, and an exchange of several emails with my Sensei, I realize that this isn't going to be the most peaceful of times in my walk with Christ. I have angered the devil something fierce. But the thing I realize, even now, is that Jesus is bigger than any of those problems. Not only do I realize that, but I am willing to walk through these hard times if it means my faith will be strengthened. Jesus didn't die and rise for me to hear the truth and follow a lie.
Jesus didn't die for me to be a Buddhist. Jesus didn't die for me to bow to a statue of a dead man. I don't need "enlightenment", what I need is forgiveness and Gods grace in my life. The other things... wisdom, peace, joy, love, those things will follow. The things I sought most after in Buddhism are still the same things I desire in my walk with Christ. I desire to be able to love my neighbor, to be kind, gentle and forgiving. I greatly strive to be able to control my anger or to be bold about my faith.
Many changes are taking place in my heart and in my mind. So for those who know me, please keep me in your prayers.
Jess
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